Comedy Central Live Webcast December 1999 Hosted by Frank DeCaro |
Frank:
Hi and welcome to The Daily Show with Frank DeCaro. I have
been waiting to say that for 3 years. I have, there have been
2 hosts and now its finally all about me. ( Vance laughs) Anyway,
tonight we are actually at the millennium webcast for The Daily
Show and you have all graciously clicked you mice and sent
in lovely questions for these two men to my right, Jon Stewart
and Vance Degeneres. (clapping) Vance:
We have an audience. Frank:
We have a real audience, we have 7 people we dragged in from outside. Jon:
All these computer technicians just to make sure we don't get
a virus. Frank:
So, anyway, we'll just start, shall we just start? Vance:
First of all, this on one of those little screens on the computer
right? Frank:
Yeah, people are mostly in their, their shorts watching I
would think. Vance:
Are we squished down or something to get us in that little box?
Frank:
No, there are small boxes, small... Jon:
How many pixels? Frank:
I have no idea Jon: Isn't
it like TV? Frank:
It's sort of like TV, if it were really like TV I wouldn't be
sitting here. So anyway, lets start. I have a question that might
change the face of the world x five x nine, times five, times
nine... Jon:
That's what we're starting with? Frank:
Yes, what did Jon get for Hanukkah? Jon: That's
how this is gonna go? Frank:
That's how it's gonna go, yeah (laughter) Jon:
I didn't get this year Frank:
Nothing? Jon:
I didn't get anything... I got an ointment, for a little rash...but
I don't consider that a gift. Frank:
a lovely salve...is not a gift. Jon:
A lovely salve, I didn't get anything, I should really look into
that. Vance:
Did you give any Hanukkah gifts? Jon:
I really gotta do that too...is it over? (laughter) It's like
8 days isn't it? Wasn't it something about the oriolites? I am
a bad, bad Jew. Frank:
So, Hanukkah merchandise has been marked down by half now...so
I am assuming its near end but not over now Jon:
(While looking at one of Franks little blue cards) Here's the
kind of Jew I am, last Passover, I celebrated with a meatball
parmesan gyro. Frank:
Gimme that card back Jon:
That can't be right Frank:
All right, next question. Do you guys... Jon:
Vance, what'd you get for Hanukkah? Vance:
clunk (I think...) Jon:
From double butt Johnson...Is this a good web name? Jon: From
DevilMaker4000... Frank:
That's back here, we'll get to that. Jon: Is
it? Frank:
Do you guys get a lot of input about what goes on with the
show or do you just go with what the writers write? Jon: The
show is completely improvised... Vance:
As far as I know, I've never seen a script and I've been on the
show as long as Jon has... Jon:
Vance has a wonderful term for when we improvise, it's called,
uh, what is it called again? Vance:
Funny make 'em ups Jon:
We do funny make 'em ups...like you...throw out a topic Frank:
Um, chocolate desserts. Vance:
Go ahead, give 'em the funny make 'em up. Jon: I...it's gotta be a news topic, I can't...what am I gonna lead with a mousse story? Tonight on the Daily... Vance:
Chocolate desserts and Jesse Helms Jon:
Thank you. Tonight Jesse Helms...I got nothing Frank:
eat a chocolate dessert... Jon:
yeah...Do you really think about chocolate desserts? Do you think
Charlie Rose thinks about that when he's interviewing? Frank:
If he hasn't eaten lunch... Jon:
Like, is my head turning into a torte? Frank:
Okay, Next question...Where does TDS, or the daily, they're getting
familiar with it, find all those oddballs you interview? Is there
some kind of website or do you just visit the inbred capital of
the US to find them? That's from Robby Yancy...Robby Yancy Vance:
Robby Yancy Frank:
Robby Yancy Vance:
Well Mr. Yancy, if that is your real name, we have a whole
research department, and field producers. And they scour the Internet,
that thing that we're magically coming through right now, and
newspapers, and everywhere else. And they, they find, these- Jon:
these people Vance:
these people Jon: you
know what's sad? I wouldn't watch this. Isn't that sad? And I'm
in it. Frank:
What we're on now, or the show? Jon: yeah,
if, if I am one click away from pornography, there's no way I'm
watching this. If I am one click away from someone fillating a
dog, you think I'm gonna turn this on? You think I'm going to
watch me talk about whether or not we improvise? Vance:
But this is, this is pay-per-view, this thing we're doing
right now... Jon:
(To Frank) So let me get this straight, food and sex. That's why
you're here. Frank:
So, speaking of food and sex, if you were stranded on a desert
island for a week and are allowed only one type of canned food,
one magazine, and one record album, predating 1980,that's important,
what would they be? And that's from Farrah. Jon: Well, clearly I'd want the type of can that pops open, the record album, I don't know. But the magazine definitely has to be something about how to build a ship out of stuff you find on an island. (laughter) Vance:
Good answer, good answer Jon. Jon:
You know, building a ship out of some canned food and an LP. (laughter)
I'm not big on the party game questions, are you big on the party
game questions? Vance:
No...no, but how about the album thing. which would you...my
album, I'm gonna say Elvis Costello, "My Name is Truth."
Jon:
See, now ten people just got really upset out there...Elvis Costello?
Now there's an entire web page devoted to how you're wrong. It's
like you can't have an opinion without everyone jumping in, don't
you think? Frank:
I should say a chorus line, probably. Jon: Oh
my God...Now I should say Fiddler on the Roof for God sakes. I
mean, we're all stereotypes to a certain extent. Frank:
(mumbles something about Nirvana albums and chaos) They would
be shocked if that were the truth. Jon:
You know the people that asked these questions aren't going to
watch this tonight, there not going to be shocked. There's a new
episode of Ally McBeal tonight, they can't watch this. Frank:
I need to believe that I'm that important, sorry. Jon: And can I say that the new half hour version...really, really gets to the point. Much better. (laughter) Vance:
You're discarding a question already? Frank:
Oh I don't like that one. Vance:
(chuckling) I don't like that one... Jon: Maybe
we should go through these before... Frank:
I did look at 'em. All right. Comedians tend not to be funny once
they get married. With your impending marriage, are you worried
about losing your sense of humor? Are you sure you want to make
a sacrifice like that just on the off chance of marital bliss?
That's from Victor Bank. Jon: It's
an interesting...you know scientifically, there's an actual reason
for that. In the walls of the vagina, (laughter) this is something
I read in Science Times...there's what's known as, an umm... Vance:
capillary? Jon: ...capillary, and what it does is...most of my jokes are written on my penis, and uh, I don't know. I got nothing. (laughter) Frank:
Written on or written... ? Jon:
Oh, I'm sorry, written by... Vance:
What about Mr. George Burns and Gracie? They were married, they
were no less funny. (three way
mumbled conversation) Jon:
Do you think it'd really make you unfunny, to finally be in a
relationship? I think it's better for me, I don't drink as much
so I actually get work done. Frank:
I think happiness is a comedy killer don't you think... Jon:
It's the whole idea that comedians have to be miserable or insane
to be funny, it seems like, like a misnomer. Vance:
I think, I think you're thinking of music, you're a musician,
and you suffer...and actually you do write better songs... Jon:
It's all bullshit anyway. It's always in the arts. You never see
accountants, you know, pull that on their...I'm sorry, if I don't
do the pills, I can't do the math. (laughter) It's just complete
artifice, oh it's an artifice of people in this business who can
get away with doing drugs at parties... Vance:
Yes...yes! (and yet again) yes! (clapping) Jon:
You know what, how do you explain your wife walking in on you
while you do blow of a Colombian boy's ass...(laughter)...without
saying "Hey, I don't do this..." Frank:
Why ruin a good thing? Why tell people this...just say yes I'll
be happy... Jon:
I apologize... Frank:
Do you think that American news has become more of a form
of propaganda or is it just me? Are the voices in my head transmitting
by the radio in my fillings? Sam Donaldson Vance: Sam Donaldson... (laughter)
Jon:
I'm sorry I didn't get the fillings part. Frank:
Well, you didn't see the Partridge Family episode, apparently...Do
you think that American news has become more of a form of propaganda
or is it just me? Jon:
(looking at Frank's jacket) Is that camel hair? Frank:
I'm like Eddie Munster, I only get one outfit to use. Are
the voices...(laughter) Now I have to start from the beginning. Jon: I saw Eddie Munster, I just have to bring this up, I saw Eddie Munster about 5 years ago, and uh, my honest to God first reaction was as they announced his name, as he walked on TV, my God, what happened?! (laughter)
Vance:
Did he look like Eddie Munster still? Frank:
Did he tell you? Jon: No,
no... Frank:
He looked more like a woof-woof doll (a what?) that you'd carry
around though... Vance:
Wolfie, wolfie Jon:
Yeah, mine's broken...so, now, what'd you say? Frank:
I don't know...we'll go to something else. My Health Ed teacher
told us that kids who do drugs are four times more likely to have
sex than those who didn't. I'm 16, and I hate the way pot makes
me feel, but I'll be FOUR times as likely! Do you know any other
ways to increase my chances of getting laid? George, 16, from
New Jersey. Jon: I,
I would love to see you host a children's program. There's something
about the delicate way that you handled this. Frank:
There's no phone number on here so... Jon: When
I was in high school I used drugs and I never got laid. Vance:
But, but you thought you had 4 times as great a chance while you
were on the drugs. Jon: Actually,
that could be the thing. Frank:
And you were a lot funnier because you were doing the cocaine
of that boy's butt. Vance:
now you see, this is how rumors get started. Frank: It's just the Internet. (Vance laughs) Jon:
I'm sorry, there's no rumors on there. I, uh, other ways to get
laid, I guess, uhm...My problem was when the acne cleared up,
the back hair came in. (laughter) You know, you're only trapped
in that weird netherworld... Frank:
If back hair is you're problem then you're going to the wrong
clubs, that's all I can tell ya. Vance:
So is our answer, just give it up? Jon:
Give up sex? Vance:
Yeah, just forget about even trying. Jon:
I think that's worse. Our cat, when we neutered him, oh my God,
he's so much happier. Frank:
Does he tear up the couch once in a while or something? Jon: Sometimes
he humps a sweater just for old times' sake. Frank:
Don't we all...(laughter) What do you think will be the hottest
fashion trend of the Jon:
Giant foreheads Frank:
and that's from snyenmnmn (he's trying to sound out one of those
interesting email handles!) Giant foreheads? Jon:
Yeah, giant foreheads, but not, I'm talking like medicine ball,
giant heads. All the models will have giant, Hindenberg
like heads. Vance:
You mean like, like in that Twilight Zone episode,
where the aliens came down but didn't speak, but communicated
mentally? Frank:
oh this is good... Jon:
Are they paying you for this? Frank:
oh, a little bit (laughter) Jon:
cause you'da left by now (Frank laughs) Frank:
We're gonna do this til we get bored, then we're just gonna stop.
What do you think will happen to Dick Clark in the millennium?
That's from Lisa Nigbortin...(hushed) she's using her real name... Jon: Um,
My guess is he'll explode at midnight. Vance:
And if he doesn't explode, I predict that after the year 2000,
he's gonna start regressing. Jon: What
if the computer in his head, the chip, thinks it's 1900, and he
reverts back to hosting Bandstand or something? (laughter)
Didn't he host Bandstand then? Frank:
I think that's when it started...it was small at that time. Vance:
I know that that was in the early 1900's, I don't know if it was
exactly at the turn of the century but I believe by 1910, he was
hosting... Jon:
he was hosting... Vance:
yes. Jon:
I saw him at a party once, he was drinking motor oil...can't be
good. Frank:
Maybe that's the secret. Jon:
Motor oil? Frank:
yeah, for him it seems to work. You could moisturize from
the inside. Jon:
He's a cyborg. Frank:
Vance, why don't you ever smile or show emotions? Amee25 (I think)
would like to know. Jon:
Aww, that's from your Mom. (lots of laughter) And there's one
from my dad, why did you fail me?! (laughter) Frank:
That's coming... Vance:
Why don't I ever smile or show emotion. Frank:
That what Amee25 would like to know. Vance:
Amee25...well, it's out of respect to, to Jon, to the show,
to yourself, to the audience. I take it very serious, as you know.
Jon:
I can't tell you how many times, after a show, I'll cradle Vance
in my arms, and he'll just open up to me, and sometimes weep.
Vance was a Marine you know. Frank:
We're you? Vance:
Sure. Jon: (To
Frank) Look at how horny you just got. (laughter) Isn't that weird?
I said the word Marine and you face literally lit up. (lots of
laughter all around) It's like you go home and watch Stripes
or something. Jesus. Frank:
It's chocolate desserts - Marines. Jon: God, if a Marine ever popped out of a tiramasu, you'd explode. (laughter) Frank:
I can't focus now...What event before your time would you most
like to have been a spectator? Hillary Detmoul, who will not be
changing her name if she gets married...she'll hyphenate it. Jon:
Say that again. Frank:
What event before your time would you most like to have been
a spectator? Hillary Detmoul would like to know. Jon:
I'd like to see Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger, when they are
having sex. (laughter) Oh, oh I was alive then. (to Vance) You
got anything? We probably should go with something historical. Vance:
Yeah, lets go with a historical thing. Jon and
Vance (in unison): Uh... Vance:
Um, that's it. Jon: Were
just go with Samson having sex with Delilah. Wanna go with that
one? Vance:
Yeah, yeah, lets go with that. Jon: I would most like to be around in the times of mythology. You know, in the time when like, Zeus turned into a cow, and had sex with a girl, and she flew out of his head and that's why it rains. (laughter)
Vance:
Those were the days, huh? Jon: Those
were the days. Frank:
I think I'd go with when Liberacci decorated his living room
for the first time. Jon: If
nothing else you're consistent. Frank:
I'm consistent. What have we learned tonight? Liberacci, Marines,
and chocolate desserts. (laughter) Okay... Jon: You're
literally becoming two-dimensional right before our eyes. Vance:
I have to ask you a question Frank. Frank:
Yeah? Vance:
If you're the webmaster here... Jon:
Are you the webmaster? That is not a title that is easily thrown
around. Vance:
I assume he's the webmaster. Frank:
I, I guess so... Jon:
I think you're the proctor. Vance:
Well, then I misspoke. Well, this seems to be somewhat historic,
and um, are we making these jerky motions, or is this streaming
video like it looks like we're actually doing this? Frank:
I think the people that are watching are going to be making the
jerky motions. (laughter) Having been on the Internet a few times
myself...Okay. Jon: That
is one of the most disturbing things I have ever heard. Frank:
Don't picture it, you'll hurt yourself. Whose ass do you plan
to kiss the most in the new millennium, spelt wrong, and why?
Amy asks...there are two n's in millennium okay? Vance:
I've got to say President Gary Bauer. Jon:
The new millennium though, will have no ass kissing. Y2K is going
to destroy this country to an extent...can I tell you whats gonna
happen? Frank:
Yes. Jon: At
midnight on December 31, the country's going to revert back, because
of the computers, to the way we lived in 1980. It is gonna be
horrific. Frank:
Then I have the clothes and shoes, I'm so happy. Jon: Isn't it weird that people panic about that though? I mean, you were alive in 80 when we didn't have computers, it was no big deal. It's not like we have to boil old people for soap. (laughter) Vance:
Well, maybe not your family, you had money. (Jon laughs) Jon: Yeah,
but it's like, so you'll have to play Pong, what's the
big deal? Vance:
Could you imagine if kids had to revert just to Pong
today? Jon:
Or LPs. Vance:
Or LPs, oh God forbid. Jon:
So what does that mean, Flock of Seagulls will be big again? Vance:
Very possible Frank:
It'll be like they never left. I still have hair envy when
I think of them, I really do. Jon: Were
you like that in High School? What did you dress like in High
School? Were you new age? Frank:
Oh, I did it all, I did blitz, I did new age... Jon: What
was blitz? Frank:
Blitz was dressing like Adam Ant. Jon: Why
didn't my High School pick up on that. We thought we were from
Alabama. Lynard Skynard and the Outlaws. And people would be like,
you live between Philadelphia and New York... Frank:
Yeah, your people at your school were beating me up, basically.
Jon:
Oh yeah, I remember the field trips, we would
camp out. We all had to get permission slips. (laughter) Frank:
Yeah, and parents signed for that. What are your feelings
toward your largest fan club on the net, the Jon Stewart Estrogen
Brigade (JSEB), and it it's wonderful (Frank mispronounces)
memers... members? How do you feel about the mumers? And that
is from JCReporter. Jon:
I'm thrilled. The "mumers" are wonderful. I'm excited about it.
It's funny, we used to call my uncles "the estrogen brigade" I'm
just thrilled to death. I just wish I understood how they did
it. It's like, kids, young-adults, whatever, who know how to make
web sites. I'm fascinated by it. Vance:
Is that a volunteer brigade like a volunteer fire-department? Jon: No,
it's a draft thing. Everybody when they hit 18 I think has to
go. We're fighting, apparently with one of Xena's web sites. It's
a huge battle. Vance:
Gotta wonder who's gonna persevere. Jon: Whoever
has the best graphics I guess. The best baud time. Vance:
Well, we can only hope. Jon: You're
not asking anything... Frank:
No, you can keep going. Jon: You
know what's weird? this is the longest you've ever talked to me.
Every time I see you at a party you'll like, talk to me for a
little bit... Frank:
But they pay me more for this than they do for the parties. Vance:
It's like when you were a kid, and you used to watch the old Tonight
Show. Didn't you think that Johnny, and Ed, and Doc all hung out
after the show? You know go out and... Jon: Yeah,
go out and get plowed and everything. I thought the same thing
about the guys in WKRP in Cincinnati. (laughter) Vance:
Well, you know they did it. Frank:
If you were a prize, lets just stop now, if you were a prize
in a box of cereal, what would you be? And this is from ShadaBear. Jon:
Umm... Frank:
Oh, I'm sorry, ShodaBear, not ShadaBear... Jon:
If I were a prize in a box of cereal, I would be the one where
you dig through the box and you finally get to it and you go,
"A fucking whistle? Oh my God..." (laughter) They said wewere
gonna get tattoos! Frank:
How have you dealt with th neetions, nations...how have you... Vance:
I don't believe that we have... Frank:
How have the two of you dealt with the sexual tension between
the two of you? Thomas Lee would like to know that. Vance:
I didn't know that we...I don't hold anything back. Jon: Nope,
I don't hold anything back. It's just that... Vance:
The double pictoral thats coming out in next months and, uh,
in Playgirl... Frank:
I have the advance actually. (right about
here some woman in the audience makes a comment) Jon: I
can't believe we're being heckled by the audience. Literally ten
people showed up for this thing, and they're giving us shit. Vance:
Yeah! Jon: And
here's the sad part - they work here. Vance:
That really is sad. Jon:
Vance and I are, are just excited to be together and that's all
there is to it... Frank:
I want to know what the gayest moment in the last thousand years
was, and you can choose if gay means happy, dot dot dot. Kevin
wants to know that. Jon:
(To Frank) Well, I'm gonna refer to you, in terms of cronology... Vance: In the last thousand years...thats a lot of time. I'm gonna have to say... this signing of the Magna Carta? (laughter)
Jon: That,
that guranteed man's rights...the gayest moment...I'm trying to
be real creative, and I can't think of an event, hmm, I don't
know. Frank: I think me at the Tiki room last night...At Walt Disney World, with an 8 year old, that was the gayest moment for me I think. (Jon is now
laughing hysterically) Vance:
We'll be right back. Jon:
That was hilarious. Frank:
You think I'm kidding... (Jon and Vance break out in hysterics)
Anyway, I would like to know if Jon will be doing any stand-up
comedy tours, Meshel352.
Jon:
Meshel352, huh... Meshel351, By the way, huge pain in the ass.
Yeah, I think I'll be doing some shows. Frank:
That's it?! Vance:
I think you're a bit to modest, where is the tour going to you? Jon: It's
mostly overseas. Vance:
A lot of USO stuff? Jon:
War torn area. I'm huuuuge in Belgium. Frank:
Everyone's huge in Belgium, what the hell was that? They have
nothing. They have french fries and thats it. Jon:
Have you ever been to one of those places in the East Village,
they come in a cone. But they really do make a better french fry,
I don't know how they do it though...but just think if they were
working on guns or computers instead, they would be so far ahead
of us. Frank:
But they still put mayonaisse on it. Vance: But you know, this would probably be a good time to plug the, uh, the next Daily Show special, live in Gradsnich. (laughter) Frank:
Okay. Vance, If the power goes out after New Year's Eve, and
we don't have any heat, will you come up to Alaska and keep me
warm? CharliesAngelX. Jon:
It's Jewel's psyeudonym. Vance:
Hmm...thats from who? Frank:
CharliesAngelX. Vance:
CharliesAngelX...hmm... Jon: I
would do it. Vance:
Yeah, you know what? I would say yes. I've never been to Alaska.
You know what? If you guys can find a story, and kind of oddball
story... Jon:
You know what, I've been there, and I uh, I had to get insulin
for my grandma, and the dogsleds are so damn slow. Vance:
I'm there, you know, I'm all about helping the old people.
Frank:
I've lost control of the show, you realize that? Vance, what was
the name of your comedy troup and can we see some footage? Brooke
asks. Vance:
My comedy troup? Frank:
Yes. Vance:
Um... Jon: Mixed Nuts and the footage of their beginning. (laughter) Vance:
I, I really didn't have a comedy troup, I was part of... Jon:
he was in a band. Vance:
yeah, I was in a band called The Cold in New Orleans... Frank:
I think I got this wrong. What was the name of your band and
can we see some footage...or, can we see a video, Brooke would
like to know. Vance:
Now, now wait a minute, you're lying about one of those questions,
and I wanna know which. Frank:
There is a Cold question here, from someone new. Vance:
I think they're talking about Mr. Bill. Frank:
Mhhmm. Vance:
I used to do the Mr. Bill Show a long time ago. But... Jon:
Before it was clay. (laughter) Frank:
Vance, this is for real, Vance what's the word on a reunion for
The Cold? Jon:
They just did one! Frank:
Richard Xavier. Jon: They
just did one! Frank:
Richard, you blew it. Vance:
Alright, yeah, you know what? We just did a reunion on New Orleans
over the Thanksgiving holidays. I was down in New Orleans and
we played at a club called The Howling Wolf. And it was packed
and we had a great time. We released a live cd that's available
online. Frank:
Can you download it right now? Vance:
I don't know. Frank:
Jon, is a pulley systen required in your hair maintenance
procedure? Liz Enmark... Jon:
Now you're just trying to hurt me. Frank:
No, actually Liz is is trying to do that. Jon:
I don't understand how a pulley would work. It's just a team of
Ompa Lumpas with a razor, that's just what it is. (laughter) I
don't know how pulleys would help. Frank:
teasing comb and a little hairspray, that's all. Vance:
I just saw that movie for the first time last week. Jon:
Are you serious? Vance:
For the first time. Jon:
Had you no childhood? Vance:
You know, its... Jon: Isn't
that a great movie? Vance:
Yeah, it is. You know, I always thought, eh, I'll get around to
it. I never did, and my girlfriend said, "you have to watch this."
And she went out and rented it. Jon:
Oh and the Ompa Lumpas, they steal the show. It's a tremendous
movie. (I can't tell
what's being said here, my apologies, Real Player sucks) Frank:
Raging Bull no, Willy Wonka, yes. (laughter) Um, Vance, How do
you keep your skin so sliky smooth? PikaPika wants to know. (a long silence) Frank:
Answer fast we have more questions to go. Vance:
You know what, its all just living right I think. And not smiling
and showing emotion, I think. Jon:
I also want to point out that he's 24, so it's not that great.
Frank:
Jon, my wife spends late nights on the internet. Though she insists
that there's nothing to worry about, she recently hooked up a
video camera and microphone to her computer.Should I be concerned?
Hot69's husband. (lots of laughter) Vance:
Hot69's husband... Frank:
Hot69's husband... Jon:
No, what he should do is, let me know what their website is, let
me check it out for him, and just see if there's anything to be
concerned about. I'm sure someone named Hot69 is up to purely
educational stuff. I don't think there's anything to worry about
though. Frank:
Will I have to go to school after the New Year? Trishana wants
to know. Jon:
My guess is, well, it all depends. If it's survival school then...uh,
you know I've had a full day of work right? I can't be expected
to be funny 24 hours a day, I'm not a monkey. Frank:
I have a monkey question, we'll get to that soon. Vance:
I actually have a serious answer for that. I believe that school
as we know it will no longer exist, and it'll only be community
colleges. That's just my view on that. Jon:
That's an excellent idea. You know what else I'm hoping for? You
know, they get the little futuristic pill, and then you rub the
thing and it gives you an orgasm? Frank:
Work's for me. Works for me right now actually. Vance:
Are you talking about the orgasmatron, is that it? Frank:
Yeah, which is out today I believe. Anyway. Hi, I am going to
turn 21,. this is not a question from me, I am going to turn 21
years old on February 23rd. Jon:
Congratulations and Happy Birthday by the way... Frank:
Yes, thats from Kathy...and I would consider it a personal favor
and my birthday wish if you would do a table dance for me at my
birthday party in Bloomington, Indiana. Jon:
You know whats weird about that? On the 23rd I'm already booked
stripping at another party. You know I do this fireman thing,
and... Frank:
I've seen the fireman thing and its worth the 25 dollars. Jon:
Its at the daughters of the American Revolution party. Vance:
Yeah, but it's sexy and sensible at the same time. (And now a
question from our President, Miss Rebecca!) Frank:
If you could be a pokemon character, which would you be and why?
JonsKitchenBch (Frank pronounces it Jon's Kitchen Beach, although
it should be Jon's Kitchen Bitch...don't they remember the summer
spectacular?!) Frank:
Yeah. Not the Ompa Lumpas... Jon:
No, the real ones. They're crazy for it. And you know what else?
They like the singing Elmo. My brother had to go in one night
and cut out the heart of the singing Elmo so it'd stop singing.
It's cute, you know, for a little bit. 4 in the morning (He starts
to sing) Sunny Days, (laughter) sweeping the... Frank:
Well, the next question asks will you sing for us like in Elmopalooza?
Vance:
Well, you just did. Jon:
Sunny Days... Frank:
Alright, we heard that. What's the funniest gag... Jon:
(starts singing random song lyrics) ...sorry. Clang Clang Clang
with the Trolley... Frank:
What's the funniest gag you couldn't take to the air? Christian
O'Connell wants to know. Vance:
Oh, I think we both know that. Unfortunately this is the internet
and we can't even take it here. (awww from the audience) I really
can't comment on it. Frank:
Okay, last question. Say tomorrow is Armaggedon. No not the movie
with Bruce Willis. What are you going to do, and with whom, and
why? Jeanine Otten wants to know. Jon:
For the past 8 years in preparation, I have been drinking not
only my urine, but sort of a Whitman's Sampler of urines from
around the world. And I've come across some of, Swedishurine and
not only is it pure, but it works on making your hair blonde.
Vance:
But you should clarify that for anybody at home, that it's filtered.
Jon:
Really, um, I don't have the filter. Frank:
You need a Brita, you can pour it through. Jon:
Can I tell you this though? Frank:
What? Jon:
Chilled (rolls eyes up) Frank:
Heaven. Heaven! We heard it here. Jon:
It's like kettle wine. Frank:
I'm guessing Boone's Fram Apple wine actually. Jon:
Yeah, are you doing something for Armageddon, or are we out of
time? Frank:
Yeah, we're almost done. Well, on that lovely, lovely, biologically
sound note, we have to say goodbye. So you can go to Amazon or
whatever and begin your financial ruin. Jon:
I love the fact that you think people are still watching. (laughter) Frank:
I need to believe that, I need it. Vance:
But it was lovely visiting with you Frank. Frank:
Thank you. Thanks for being on my show! Jon:
You're a good man. Frankie DeCaro! (clapping) END
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