"Jon Stewart"
The View
June 30, 1999 (air date)
Hosted by Barbara Walters

 

[Transcribed by Annie.] Of all the Jon interviews I've seen, this one is the finest. Jon was relaxed and in top ad-lib form, and he charmed the socks off the hosts and everyone who was watching. There was a lot more laughter than I noted; I highlighted the big ones to try to catch the flavor of the interview. It was a warm and casual interview, and all the arguing was good-natured and without genuine tension. I did some minor editing because with four women who occassionally talk at once talk and a guest who says "uh" a lot, I thought it would clean things up.

Helpful notes so you don't get lost:
-- The discussion at the beginning of the show was about South Park, foul language, indecency, etc.
-- Star got upset over some incident with the Texan flag on a previous episode where it had apparently been hung upside-down.
-- Before Jon comes out, Barbara mentions that The Daily Show parodied The View (in The Daily View) and that they will show a clip from that parody.
-- Speakers, left to right: Meredith in a chair, Star on the couch, Jon beside her, Barbara in a chair, Joy in a chair.

Barbara: Our guest today, he just does everything, he's the host of his own talk show called The Daily Show. He is the best-selling author of the book, Naked Pictures of Famous People. Are any of us in that? (Laughter.)

?: No. No.

Barbara: You never know -- you win some, you lose some -- and is a bonafide movie star because his new movie, Big Daddy, is currently number one at the box office. Now Adam Sandler's in it, but he's not with us today, and we're glad because look who we have! Take a look. (Clip from Big Daddy with Jon on the phone talking to Adam Sandler about the boy.) Please welcome the hilariously funny, the multi-talented, Jon Stewart! (Big cheering and applause.)

Jon: Thank you very much. How are you? (Sits down, then leaps up in a panic.) I'm not sitting on a flag, am I?

Star: No, no.

Barbara: Since you're gonna make fun of us when we come back --

Jon: I would never.

Barbara: are there any hot topics today that you feel that you would like to say something very erudite, seriously.

Jon: Erudite? I got nothin'. (Laughter.) The uh, the cursing?

Barbara: Yes.

Jon: When you guys were talking about it?

Barbara: Yeeeees?

Jon: I was seriously aroused. (Big laughter.) There's somethin' 'bout four ladies talking dirty. (Jon fans himself with hand.) It's just . . . hoo! (Big laughter.)

Star: Do you like your women a little dirty?

Jon: (Shocked.) I'm sorry?

Star: You know what I mean.

Jon: First of all . . . my women?

Star: In theory.

Jon: In theory? I don't I want them . . . dirty . . . I'm not sure what you mean. You mean to have a foul mouth?

Star: A bit of a foul mouth, not, you know, no one wants --

Jon: It depends. Directed at me, or just in the ether? Just sort of --

Star: In general.

Jon: In general. Uh, I want them to be real.

Star: Right.

Jon: And that's . . . the sense of it is, you talk about "Oh the foul language and the kids are gonna hear it." Kids just like to fight parameters and limits. That's all they care about. The only reason they react to you saying a bad word is they know it's not supposed to be said. It's got nothing to do with meaning. And you know, as a news person who had to cover the last two years of sex --

Barbara: It was hard.

Jon: It's not like the words you said --

Star: Everything you said makes sense.

Barbara: You're right, you're right.

Jon: It is. Everything in this country is innuendo. I think we should say the words flat out and kids won't even think about it --

Joy: Okay, Jon, that's a lot of crap, but you know what? (Big laugh.) Here's what I want to know.

Jon: What? Don't you think?

Joy: Yeah, I agree. Whatever. On to the next thing. What I wanted to ask you about is, you and Meredith were both in People magazine this year, as one of the 50 most stunning, the most gorgeous in the universe. (Big cheers and applause.) Can we have your reaction to that?

Jon: I was uh . . . first of all you know, for me beauty is really inside. (Big applause.) That's why I drink a quart of Oil of Olay every day. I've been on lists like this before. When I was in high school I was on the 50 most beautiful in my German Club. (Big laugh.) No, I really had to scrape and claw. I mean, when I was first started in the business, I was in the 10,000s, and I really worked my way up. No. I have no idea. They said it, and now I feel like --

Barbara: (To Meredith.) How do you feel about it?

Meredith: I was surprised. (To Jon.) I mean, not by you, you deserve to be there.

Jon: Oh no you don't. It's the most ridiculous thing in the world. Some guy at the magazine goes, "The 50 most anything." Who cares? But my grandfather -- very excited about it. (Laughter.) He reads People.

Star: Before you were a big movie star, and before --

Jon: Who do you guys think you're talking to? (Big laugh.) Are these the question that you had for Adam? And then I came out here? It's almost like (loud cheering) no, no I swear to god --

Barbara: Notice we didn't ask you what your percentage was of the film.

Jon: Believe me, I can tell you. Scale plus ten.

Star: It's called sarcasm, babe.

Jon: Oh, is that what it is? Cause I wasn't sure. It was like you were practicing for Ricky Martin or something. (Loud cheering. Idiots.) La Vida Loca.

Star: People love you in the film, you're a movie star, 50 Most Beautiful people, but I'm told you had the goofiest job ever before all of this happened, and a lot it had to do with these little marks that are on my hand.

Jon: Oh yeah, you got mosquito bites from the Hamptons. (Jon rolls eyes and waves hand.) By the way, I'm so sorry that your second home is troubling you like that. (Laughter.) Is must be very hard.

Star: (Indignant.) First of all, you know it's my first home --

Jon: Okay. That's one those complaints, it's like, (Jon waves both hands, fanning his face) "Oh! The new leather in my Mercedes gives me such a headache from the vapors! Ooh! Ooh!" (Huge laugh, cheering.)

Star: I'm gonna get you.

Jon: I know.

Star: I'm gonna get you.

Jon: I know.

Star: I'm gonna crucify you. (Star touches Jon's arm.)

Jon: (Leaps up.) You can't get me! I'm the 50 most (sits down) --

Barbara: And not only that, your swimming pool is too cold.

Jon: Oh, the chlorine! My eyes are so red!

Star: You've got more money than anybody on the planet. You want to talk about money, you better end this segment before I get you back.

Jon: (Jon starts to claw at the air, cat-like.)

Barbara: Nevertheless --

Jon: (Jon bounces and down on the couch excitedly) I like being a girl! (Huge, long laugh, loud cheering, Barbara cracks up, Joy looks amazed. Jon starts boxing, apparently to "remasculinize" himself.)

Barbara: Before Star and I come to more blows, and we make more fun of you like we did, we're gonna be back with more Jon Stewart, and you'll see how he really sees us.

(Break.)

Joy: Hey. (Sarcastically.) We're back with the extremely handsome, and the most beautiful in the entire universe, Jon Stewart.

Jon: That's it. I'm taking you down, Behar!

Joy: And you know Jon, it's obvious that you watch The View quite a bit. Take a look at this clip from The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, and see if it looks familiar.

(Clip from the opening scenes of The Daily View, with Beth, Jon, Mo, Stephen, and Vance jumping, dancing, and looking overly happy.)

Jon: I, uh --

Barbara: It's that what you see? You showed us all running and jumping around --

Meredith: Idiots.

Barbara: and looking all ridiculous.

Jon: We did that sketch actually -- and this is, I don't wanna say nothin' -- we did that sketch six years ago. (Laughter.)

Barbara: Jon, we were at our --

Jon: Answer me, Barbara! (Jon points at Barbara with both hands.) Six . . . long --

Barbara: What I saw was the sketch where the new person is on and every time the new person opens his mouth you say, "That's enough!"

Jon: Yeah. That's enough.

Barbara: That's enough!

Jon: Yeah. We got that from here. (Barbara cracks up.)

Star: Can we do some letters? Because, you know, people seem to think that you have some insight on relationships.

Jon: Huh?

Star: Why, I don't know, but then we asked some viewers to send us some e-mail so you can answer their letter. Okay? First one, "Dear Jon" --

Jon: (Nodding.) Huh. I've heard that one, I've heard that one. Ran off with my friend. Sure. I know that one.

Star: "My boyfriend has asked me to marry him, but my heart belongs to you. Should I hold out?" Kate from Boston.

Jon: (Sighs.) Yes. Kate. You should hold out because there's nothing I like better than your boyfriend wanting to kick my butt. That's another thing. No. I say marry him.

Star: Marry him?

Jon: I say marry him because I got my own little situation working.

Star: That's right. (A woman in the audience actually cries out in despair. Can you blame her?) I got my own little, uh --

Barbara: What would you like to tell us?

Jon: What?

Barbara: Would you like to tell us something about your own situation?

Jon: I am uh . . . I have a marriage situation myself. (More moans of despair and another cry from that woman.)

Barbara: Do you have an announcement you'd like to make?

Jon: I got . . . well, it's not really an announcement necessarily cause I already asked her.

Barbara: And she said . . .

Star: And she said yes?

Jon: She's taking her time. She'll get there. (Laughter.) I don't like to push. It's been, you know, eight months, and she's formulating. She's knitting a response in an afghan.

Star: How'd you do it? How'd you --

Jon: I'm sorry?

Star: How'd you do it? I mean, did you --

Jon: I did it in English. I though any other language would be inappropriate. (Laughter.) I did it, uh . . . well, I asked her, I said, "So uh" . . . I'm not even going to tell you cause it's the corniest thing in the world. (Cheering, all the hosts urge him.)

Jon: Here's the thing. You gotta be careful when you're gonna ask them because, first of all, if you've been in a relationship for a long time, you have to, because they begin to expect it. And you don't wanna, you know, when you come home during like, let's say, the season finale's on TV? And she's crying because The Nanny is getting married and she's not? You know, that kind of thing? So you have to, but you don't wanna do it too over the top. Because if you're in a hot air balloon over France, like halfway up the ladder, she's gonna know you're gonna ask her that. Cause you're not gonna get up to the ladder and say, "Did you mail that thing?" She's gonna know --

Star: something big is happening.

Jon: Right. Something big is happening. So you want to surprise her. So we do crossword puzzles every night because we're, uh, eighty? I have the lamest life possible. We enjoy it. So I had a . . . they made up a crossword puzzle. (Audience awws, the women aww, I aww.)

Jon: (Surprised.) What?

Barbara: It's electric.

Joy: We like it!

Jon: You know what the sad part is? She was doing it very badly, and it looked for a while like I was going to have to marry someone else. (Laughter.) Because she had gotten the name wrong. And so, you know, you have to solve it for . . . (looks embarrassed). I couldn't have done it in a Bingo game.

Joy: Well, we like it.

Jon: G-7! B-9!

Meredith: Here's another e-mail: "Dear Jon, What are some things a woman can do to make a man do more romantic things for her" --

Jon: Yup. No. Cannot be done.

Meredith: "other than sex." Katherine from Pennsylvania.

Jon: More romantic things other than sex . . . I'm sorry, you lost me. (Laughter.) Isn't that the definition of . . .

Meredith: No, not of romance.

Joy: Well the crossword puzzle --

Star: Up with the ladder --

Jon: That's sort of a contrivance. Like flowers and candy and all that stuff, people don't really buy into that, it's a contrivance. "Oh, you're my beloved, here's . . . chocolate."

Barbara: Listen. We just have a couple of seconds left, and since we were talking about Big Daddy, what is Adam Sandler really like?

Jon: I have not met him.

Barbara: You did the film but you just never met him?

Jon: He is far too valuable a performer right now. They keep him hermetically sealed, and they have a Sandler, uh, it's like a stunt double who does all the stuff, and then we go down and ask him if it's okay.

Barbara: So you do the opening and the closing, but you never had to see him at all?

Jon: I can't. He's under lock and key. He's in a bunker in Indiana. But I've heard good things.

Barbara: I may do that with the rest of you. I don't know. It's a thought. Jon, you're adorable.

Joy: Jon, seriously. We really love having you here.

Jon: Thank you. Thank you so much for having me.

Joy: Jon Stewart. Be sure to catch Big Daddy at a theater near you.

 

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Copyright © 1999 ABC. All rights reserved.
Transcribed by Annie.

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