UniverCity: This whole Daily Show thing really
seems to be working out for ya. How long were you there before you
stopped worrying theyd fire you and send ya back to the Quik-E
Uh, what time is it now? Um, just recently...
Let me tell ya something: Ive been fired often, so I dont
worry about it cuz I know Im real good at it. I dont
UniverCity: Stephen Colbert has been there
a few years longer than you: He mustve wanted your job. Do
you make sure to keep your back to the wall whenever hes around?
Stephen Colbert?! Stephen Colbert doesnt
even know how to read! You didnt know that? Hes not
even from this country. Stephen Colbert doesnt even know English.
Everything he does, we have to sound it out phonetically for him
before he goes on. Stephen Colbert is a migrant worker. I thought
you knew that...
UniverCity: (Laughing) Thats news to me. That 5 Questions
thing you do is pretty funny: Howd you come up with that?
I came up with it at a seder one night. Originally
it was just four questions, and I said, Lets add one.
You wanted me to say, We dont do that -- that was the
other guy! Right? So yeah, we dont do that. (Laughter)
UniverCity: Speaking of Craig Kilborn, he was funny and all...
(Laughs) He was funny and all?
What are you, the Roger Ebert of UniverCity Magazine?
Bret Love says he was funny and all...
UniverCity: Can I finish?! He was funny, but when he was interviewing
people, he looked like somebody had just switched his Folgers with
raw sewage. Whats your secret to getting a good interview?
Well, clearly you havent seen the show:
I dont think anyone would accuse me of knowing that secret.
Heres my secret: I dont pay attention (laughter), and
it really seems to be working for me. I just have a general sense
of being disturbed...
UniverCity: Speaking of which, what was up with you and the uptight
Spice Girl (Posh Spice, who famously told Stewart during their interview,
I dont think youre very funny!)? Did I sense
some weird kinda sexual tension there?
It wasnt as much sexual tension as it was
sexual disappointment. Lets just put it this way: That wasnt
our first time meeting... Oh wait, did you say the Spice Girls?
Im sorry, I thought you said the Village People. I dont
know what that was. I always thought Posh would be nicer.
But it was nice to see Baby Spice trying to save the day... B y
the way, at what age does she cease to go by the name Baby?
UniverCity: No clue... Other talk shows are known for giving
their guests elaborate gift baskets. If my smarmy charm miraculously
landed me a guest spot on The Daily Show, what would I find in my
Id probably take a dump in it, then wrap
it in some sort of foil. Then youd come in and youd
be thinking, Oh, look at this! This is nice. But then
youd open it up, and itd be a dump, and youd be
UniverCity: Carson had Bette Midler singing to him, Letterman
had Drew Barrymore doing a strip-tease on his desk: Whats
your favorite Daily Show celebrity moment?
Boy, if we could get some celebrities on the show,
that would help! I really like the one with that guy who did that
thing in the movie. Member the... Nah, I got nothing.
UniverCity: I kinda liked the one where Matthew McConaughey is
showing how his goats have sex. Its not all that often you
see an A-list actor demonstrating the fine art of goat-humping on
That was great! Thats my favorite celebrity
moment! Thank you for reminding me.
UniverCity: Did you feel a little weird celebrating the shows
fifth anniversary when youd only been there two years?
Look, I felt a little weird having a job for two
and a half years! This is the longest Ive ever worked anywhere.
I didnt even last Woolworths longer than three months.
The whole things a shock to me. (Laughter)
UniverCity: I miss some of the old faces, like Brian Unger, Beth
Littleford and Vance DeGeneres. Where do old correspondents go when
theyre put out to pasture?
They go to Move-Onville. Have you ever been there?
You take a bus there: Its right next to Get Over It Town.
Dont you have a VCR? Look at your old tapes! What am I supposed
to do? Show a picture?!
UniverCity: You guys call the show the most important television
news program... ever! Have any of the 60 Minutes guys ever
threatened to kick your ass over that?
Uh, I believe Morley Safer did. I think he could
take me. Safers bigger than he looks!
UniverCity: You were on Comedy Central way back in 1989, hosting
Short Attention Span Theater. Whats the biggest difference
now that the network is swimming in South Park dough?
I think now were on-- whaddayacallit?--
uh, television. Before, it was like in eight peoples houses,
and youd have to actually go there to perform it for them
UniverCity: The Daily Shows theme song is catchy and all,
but couldnt they afford to give you guys a live house band?
Or are they spending all their money on Battlebots?
Lemme put it to you this way: They dont
have to spend any money on Battlebots. And Ill tell ya why:
Robots truly do hate each other, and they would fight whether the
TV cameras were rolling or not. You have no idea! Even the appliances
in my apartment are always staring at each other and talking shit.
The other day I came in and caught the toaster oven givin
the coffee maker a little bit of the business, ya know what I mean.
A little of the ol, Hey, whats up, drippy? Why
dont you bring that shit over here?! Ill filter your
shit! Come on, bitch!
UniverCity: (Laughing hysterically) You were on MTV back in 1993,
when they actually showed music videos. Do you ever mourn the Real
World/TRL hell that shows like yours have wrought?
Uh... no. I can honestly say I feel no guilt.
Heres what I believe: I believe that people who worry about
that stuff need to relax. In the pantheon of things to get upset
about in the world, the amount of videos MTV plays is somewhat low
on the list. Its just below, I wonder what Mr. T is
doing these days?
UniverCity: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Dont mock on Mr. T! Hes
got the 1-800-COLLECT commercials and he is a fine thespian. I will
NOT have you disparaging his name! And Mr. T had cancer, man! (Mock
crying) Arent you worried about his cancer?!
I really feel like you should get a hobby... A
non-TV-related hobby... (Uproarious laughter)
UniverCity: You did The Faculty with director Robert Rodriguez,
which was one of the first films in the new wave of teen horror
flicks. What sort of deal did the devil give you for unleashing
such evil on the world?
Wait a minute, thats my fault, too?! Im
still recovering from ruining the world of music videos... Sorry,
so whatd I get? Part of the back-end. A T-shirt. There was
a wrap party, and I got some tacos at the party. I wore pants in
the movie, and I got to keep the pants when it was done, too. So
I guess I did receive a bit of a prize package for bringing that
evil into the world...
UniverCity: The Faculty was okay, but his latest film, Spy Kids,
kicks ass. How would the film have been different if youd
played the Spy Dad instead of Antonio Banderas?
Thats an excellent question, and part of
it that is... I dont know, because I havent seen it.
But the only thing I can guess is that my accent wouldve been
UniverCity: In your recent films, youve gotten to co-star
with Famke Janssen, Salma Hayek, Gillian Anderson and Shannon Elizabeth.
Dont you think my deal with the devil theory is
starting to gain some credence?
Not particularly. Gillian was the only one I actually
worked with. I dont think I ever even met the other ones.
UniverCity: Youre kidding me! Dude, who is your agent?!
You gotta get that stuff written into your contract!
Wait! Clearly, according to your theory, The Devil
is my agent...
UniverCity: And you also hosted the Grammys! Have you NO fear
of eternal damnation?
Wait, whats wrong with the Grammys?!
UniverCity:Um... They suck, maybe?
Do you like anything?!
UniverCity: I like The Daily Show. But have you seen who theyre
giving Grammys to these days? Milli Vanilli won a Grammy!
Oh, I see. So the Grammys dont have street
But why should that bother you? What does that take away from your
life? Everybody gets an award. But see, heres the thing: If
everything had street cred, youd be sad, because then you
couldnt stand in the back and go, This is bullshit,
UniverCity: Im not upset... I just think they suck.
(Laughs) No, I understand: Im angry about
it, too! What was that other thing you said? Horror movies with
teenagers! Im with you, man! I have seen the light! Wait,
what else am I mad about?
UniverCity: (Laughing hysterically) MTV!
MTV! They better show some videos or someones
gonna get a talkin to, and it aint gonna be! I LIKE
this new thing that were doin! What else are we mad
about? Im excited! Hey, what about Frasier?
UniverCity: Yeah, Must See TV is a great thing to rage against!
So we were talking about eternal damnation. Whats your vision
of hell? Besides this interview...
Im not so sure I buy the whole hell thing.
Should I just make something up? How about a salad bar with no sneeze-guard
at the DMV... while theyre playing no videos on MTV.
UniverCity: And youre listening to Grammy Award winners!
Comedy Centrals got some hot young talent on the rise, like...
um... Well, I cant think of any right now. But how do you
continue to stay so sharp in the face of younger, hungrier competition?
This isnt like a fast food restaurant where
were bringing up assistant managers to challenge us. The people
youre talking about are on other shows. You dont work
on Battlebots for a couple of years, working your way up to The
Busting a gut with laughter is surprisingly enough a LOT more
painful than it sounds. Jon Stewart is funnier than you, and he
can be seen on The Daily Show ... uh, daily.
Copyright © 2001? UniverCity.com.
All rights reserved.
main - pictures
- transcripts - multimedia
- desktop - links